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A Military Mom Reflects on Mother’s Day May 9, 2014

Posted by rogerhollander in Iraq and Afghanistan, War, Women.
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Roger’s note: Children aren’t supposed to die before their parents do, which is only one of the many ways warfare is obscene; it makes cannon fodder out of our children and the children of those we define as enemies, not to mention the innocent “collateral damage.”  The Obama daughters are approaching the age where they would be eligible for service in the military.  Why do I mention this?  I’m not sure.  It just seems relevant.

 

May 9, 2014

 

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As Mother’s Day approaches, conversation and commercial advertising abounds with discussion and advertisements with ideas on what we should buy or do to celebrate Mother’s Day. Every year my own children ask me how I want to celebrate, and for the past decade or so I’ve learned that the one thing that no one knows more than more than mothers is that military moms cannot celebrate this day knowing our children are in harm’s way. It just isn’t possible.

The one thing so many of us war-weary moms want most in the world can’t be bought; we want the war in Afghanistan to end now. How hard would that be to get after almost 14 years of endless war when, today, according to a CNN poll, 82% of the American people want us out of Afghanistan anyway? Yet, it’s within our reach this year, and it’s so simple that it’s hard for most people to believe. The only thing our president needs to do is absolutely nothing. Really.

It’s all about the power of the pen that our president has the power to to wield, but if we can just get him to put that almighty pen down, we can all have the best Mothers Day possible and bring all of our troops home from Afghanistan for good. Here’s why…

Right now, because other impending wars have taken Afghanistan out of the spotlight, and mothers (and fathers of course), fear we might get dragged and lied into yet another war in Syria, N. Korea or even the Ukraine possibly, it’s easy to forget the “original” war still rages on. And why shouldn’t we forget? What with all the presidential messages we’ve been hearing all year long that wars are “winding down” in Afghanistan and that all the troops will be out by the end of this year, why would anyone think otherwise?

Any sensible person would conclude that the US is in a big rush to wrap up combat operations in Afghanistan and get on with the business of dealing with these other crises around the world. Need I even mention the painfully obvious truth that we can’t even deal with the military’s out-of-control sexual assault cases and untreated incidents of PTSD? So why, we should ask, would the Obama administration even think there is any need to create more traumatized veterans by continuing the war in Afghanistan? Apparently it does.

We still have over 30,000 combat troops remaining in Afghanistan and our loved ones are still being deployed. But most alarming of all is the undisputed fact that President Obama has been pressuring the incoming presidential candidates in Afghanistan to sign the Bilateral Security Agreement that allows our troops to remain in Afghanistan another ten years!

And although it may seem perfectly sensible to you and me that we now have the perfect face-saving opportunity to finally get all of our troops out and to leave Afghanistan in the hands of its own people, instead President Obama is practically doing cartwheels and begging the future presidential candidates of Afghanistan to sign the BSA so we can continue to stay mired in a war that never should have happened in the first place and that the American people so plainly do not want.

Perhaps, then, on this special, nationally recognized day to honor Motherhood, he will read what I want to share with you about the very real experiences of the mothers I have worked, cried, and suffered with over the past 13 plus years. Then maybe, if he hears our stories, he won’t try so hard to get the BSA signed.

Dede’s “favorite baby” nephew had been killed just a few years before, yet she went with me all the way to DC to invite our congressional representatives to visit the memorial to the fallen that we had spent all day building on the Capitol Mall in DC. This memorial represented the thousands of troops who died in the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan and allowed passersby to visualize and consider the true cost of war. We very optimistically invited my Congressman Rohrabacher, who then proceeded to order us out of his office and call this loving Gold Star Aunty a “traitor”. After looking all over for her in the congressional hallways I found her in the middle of the field of crosses collapsed and sobbing near a pair of combat boots. Betrayed twice.
We buried Donna’s son last month. Every day her son was in combat was a mother’s nightmare for her. She woke up one morning to the sight of police with guns drawn looking for her son. When he came back alive from his deployment, Donna helplessly watched her son drink excessively and race at high speeds on his motorcycle in his struggle to chase the PTSD demons away. When the Marine’s presented her the US flag, her face was hollow with an indescribable grief only another parent understands. I count three betrayals here.

Rossana’s son snapped to attention at a family gathering when the flash of a cigarette triggered a full combat mode response in their front yard. It was a horrible scene and just one example of the invisible wounds of war that will forever mar any future celebrations in that close knit family. Double betrayal and for many years to come.

I would get frantic calls at all hours of the night when Laurie’s son, in the Stryker Brigade, was deployed. Her rants struck deep into this military mom’s heart and were usually followed by pages and pages of emails that were desperate cries from the sheer madness of a mom who hadn’t slept in days and was trying to protect her son who was over 7,000 miles away. Her fear made perfect sense to me.

That’s how I would feel if I didn’t know if my son was missing, killed or wounded. I often fantasized that my son was off in a chow line somewhere in Afghanistan, but Laurie kept it real by trying to track each battle and figure out night after night if there was a one near her son. If she could have flown into Baghdad, I know she would have done it in a military mom minute. She counts her number of betrayals every day.

Marselle’s niece was raped while in the military. We all know almost 14 years too late about the one in six military personnel who are sexually assaulted. Will we ever know the depths of that scandal? Who would want to come forward and testify when case after case we learn the perpetrators are rarely reprimanded or see justice? No better example of betrayal than this inside job.

Though her son Evan was killed in Iraq, whenever Jane sees me she never fails to ask me how my son is and how I am doing. I am so unbelievably moved that she is still willing to be in this fight with those of us who are speaking out against the war. Because of her strength and goodness to move on, the Evan Ascraft Foundation has given thousands of dollars and support to veterans in need.

Yet, in spite of her “ultimate sacrifice” and all her hard work and success in making something good come out of her unspeakable loss, her name got dragged into a major newspaper about whether her son was in some juvenile trouble before he enlisted and whether he was better off joining the military or not. Really? What mother wouldn’t prefer that her son or daughter wind up even in a solitary confinement maximum security prison rather than dead forever and never to see again? That’s public betrayal and unbelievably callous.

Vicky’s son, Jonathan was, as she often says, “The center of my universe.” To me and many others, Jonathan represented the unrealized promise of thousands of our youth who died in these wars. Our country will never reap the treasure of their patriotism and talent. In addition to the greatest loss a mother could have, Vicky will never recover from the shock of having seen photos of her son’s body after questions arose about the circumstances of his death. You see, after an explosion, not all body parts can be found and she saw those pictures. We will be connected forever, even though I’m sure our sons never met.

On one deployment, my son was one of many who had to the retrieve weapons of our dead, some of which he had to wipe clean of those body parts, organs and such so that they could be re-used in battle. “Someone has to do it,” my son explained once. “After all, I’m older and more able to handle it than those 18 and 19 year olds who had those orders.” I doubt it, but that’s an endless cycle of post- mortem betrayal that cannot be erased.

So here we are 14 Mothers’ Days later and we Moms are still going to be asked what we want on our special day. This Marine Mom asks you to tell all of our families and friends and everyone who will listen, to please call the White House and beg, yes beg, President Obama to do nothing and that please, for every mother’s sake, do NOT sign the Bilateral Security Agreement. Bring our troops, all of our troops home, once and for all.

This security agreement is set to be signed this summer so let’s do it now while we are all thinking of ways to truly honor our mothers — and especially for Dede, Vicky, Jane, Donna and so many others who will never have a son or daughter to celebrate Mother’s Day with again, but still work tirelessly to make sure I do.

Pat Alviso & Jeff Merrick
Military Families Speak Out
Orange County & South Bay Chapter
http://www.mfsooc.org
562-833-8035
Support Our Troops
Bring Them Home Now!
Take Care of Them After They Get Home

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