Santa Blown out of the Sky: World’s Children Mourn December 25, 2011Posted by rogerhollander in Humor, Religion, Right Wing, War on Terror.
Tags: christmas, cia missile, Humor, humour, north pole, pat robertson, political satire, predator, predator missile, roger hollander, santa, santa claus, satire, terrorism, war on terror
Dateline: North Pole, December 25, 2012
R. Hollander reporting:
A U.S. CIA launched Predator missile went astray shortly after midnight this morning and made a direct hit on Santa and his reindeer just over the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. Santa and sleigh were totally obliterated. Locals reported finding scattered pieces of reindeer flesh and cheap plastic in fields located miles from the point of contact. Santa had just picked up his payload from his major suppliers in China and was near the beginning of his run. This unfortunately means that virtually none of the world’s children received Christmas presents this year. Mrs. Claus is reported in deep mourning.
How this tragedy came to pass is just beginning to emerge. First reports from the CIA cited Taliban hackers having found their way into the guidance system and sending the missile, originally intended to wipe out Taliban wedding guests, off its course. President Obama, in sending his condolences to the world’s children, hinted at al Queda terrorist involvement. This was later confirmed by an anonymous CIA spokesperson, who added that it was also likely that Julian Assange and Bradley Manning were also somehow involved behind the scenes. When asked by a reporter how Manning could possibly be involved from his prison cell, the spokesperson responded with a wry smile and a winking gesture.
However, within the past hour a previously little known organization is claiming responsibility for the action. In a communique singed by “White Knight,” representing Knighted Koalition of Khristians Indignant for the Lord of Lords (K.K.K.I.L.L.), details were given about the Predator’s guidance system that gave serious credibility to the claim. His allegation that the organization recently has received the endorsement of key Republican presidential candidates has not been confirmed. In explaining the motives for the attack, White Knight claimed that taking out Santa Claus was necessary in order to reverse the trend of children focusing on St. Nick rather than the birth of Jesus at Christmas time. He suggested that this was an act of “tough love” toward the world’s children, who needed to learn that the worship of Jesus was more important that Chinese-made gizmos and gadgets.
The reaction of several Christianity’s leading evangelicals was echoed by the Rev. Pat Robertson who suggested that in using exclusively male elves, Santa was in effect promoting homosexuality, and that this could not be allowed to continue.
Others have taken a softer line, characterizing the hit on Santa Claus as collateral damage in the War on Terror.
In his attempt to elicit a reaction from a child to this tragedy, this reporter was unable to find a child who was not so tear ridden so as being able to make a statement.